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By: Michael Lara
Tokyo, Japan

“Daddy...Yes, son. What does regret mean? Well son, a funny thing about regret is that it’s better to regret something you have done than to regret something you haven’t done. And by the way, if you see your mom this weekend, would you be sure to tell her, Satan! Satan! Satan!”

22 years after BUTTHOLE SURFERS legendarily released their Locust Abortion Technician creature on the countryside and beyond, HOLY FUCK followed suit in releasing their own free-flowing one in the mountains and valleys that are home to FUJI ROCK FESTIVAL®.

These four mad, yet in a good way, scientists comprised of Brian “Mr. Happy” Borcherdt (vocals, keyboards, effects), Graham “Grazing Philosopher” Walsh (keyboards, effects, grazing philosophy), Matt “Drum & Love Doctor” Schulz (drums, percussion) and Matt “Iron Chef Jr.” McQuaid (bass) brought their own perfectly square Toronto-bred Bride Of Frankenstein laboratory to the mountains of Niigata for all to witness and participate in. While no thunderstorms reigned as they went to work on their creature, the White Stage at FUJI ROCK ® came alive in full in watching their creation from their own mitts unfurl for us all to call our friend from this day forward.

Post-op from their collective ongoing baptism, the free flow of their waters crashing together effortlessly ensued for 20 minutes more in sharing their weaknesses, likenesses and more:

THIRSTY: And there we are...Okay, so state your name and whatever else you like...
Graham Walsh: Hello, I’m Graham Walsh and I, um, play bass and stuff in HOLY FUCK and I’m at FUJI ROCK®.
Matt Schulz: I’m Matt Schulz and I’m, uh, a helluva lover. (All chuckling)
Matt McQuaid: I’m Matt McQuaid and I play the bass guitar.
Brian Borcherdt: I’m Brian Borcherdt and I can vouch for that comment of him being a helluva lover (big grin).
THIRSTY: Ha-ha! Great! Ah, today was fun. Now, by chance, do you know the band BAZOOKA?
GW: Un-uh.
THIRSTY: They were on SST®.
GW: Oh, ah cool okay.
MS: When?
THIRSTY: Oh, about...This was when I was back in university so this was like ’92, ’93.
MM:  Oh okay.
MS: I didn’t know that.
THIRSTY: They have this album called Perfectly Square and I instantly thought of you guys because they jam the same way and because also you are all in a square (when performing).
MS: BAZOOKA man?  I know all the SST shit probably up to like ’89 maybe.
BB: They started putting out a lot records every year.
THIRSTY: You gotta check them out man and hey, who was the cat that played THINK ABOUT LIFE when you guys finished?
MS: Oh, I don’t know who thought of playing THINK ABOUT LIFE.
THIRSTY: They’re my friend’s man.
GW: Was it Steve (the sound guy)?

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THIRSTY: Do you have their new album Family?
MS: No.
THIRSTY: Then here you go.
BB: I have not heard it.
MM: Oh shit, look at this guy, he’s got all kinds of presents.
GW: That’s hot.
MS: Wow, thank you.
BB: We had a dance party with those guys not just a couple weeks ago. Graham deejayed...
GW: That’s right.
THIRSTY: They came a couple years ago and stayed with me. You know Matt Shane. His email address is funny...”thinkaboutmattshane...”
(All laughing)
MS: That’s a bitch to type out each time signing in though.
BB: Yeah.
GW: Yeah.
THIRSTY: But that band, this album you’re gonna dig...So I’ve been to Toronto 2 times, my ex-girlfriend grew up in Rosedale.
GW: Oh wow.
THIRSTY: Her dad is Dr. Yao...St. Michael’s (famed hospital).
MS: Oh shit.
GW: That’s a neighborhood...Rosedale.
THIRSTY: Yeah, she was like, “Do you know who my next door neighbor is?” And um, I’m like, “No.” And she’s like, “It’s Gordon Lightfoot.”
MM: Right on.
GW: No way.
MS: That’s rad.                   

THIRSTY: Indeed. Now, in this bag, I have different items. I’m not going to talk about your music. Your music talks about itself.
MS: Thank you.
THIRSTY: It’s self-explanatory. But what I want you all to do is, each of you, is going to pull out an item and then the questions are going to come from there.
GW: Okay. Gotcha.
MS: Cool. Go ahead.
GW: (All laughing) Smokes...This is like brushing your teeth. Menthols (Marlboro® Black) too.
THIRSTY: Yeah, these are available only in Japan. So to you, what’s smokin’?
GW: What is smoking?
THIRSTY: No, what’s hot man?
GW: Oh...What’s smokin’? Um, damn, this is philosophical. I’m not creative enough.
THIRSTY: You can do it.
GW: This is new shit.
THIRSTY: They have their own unique market here in Japan.
MS: They smoke like a motherfucker here.
GW: To me what’s smokin’?
THIRSTY: Yeah man.
GW: It’s originality these days. There’s so much...There’s so much shit going on these days that if anything that’s out there...different to me, I think that’s, that’s where it’s smokin’. I think, I think, if you’re doing something else. You’re not following. I think the leaders are smokin’ these days. That’s what I think. That’s my philosophy.
THIRSTY: Yeah. That brings up one of my favorite songs by JOY DIVISION, “Leaders of Men.”
MS: Yeah.                  
THIRSTY: It’s a pretty intense full on song.
MS: Yeah, those guys were leaders of men.
BB: Leaders of men among men.

THIRSTY: Yeah, for sure...Next!
MS: Ah, I have no idea what this is.
MS: Okay.
THIRSTY: So, powdered form, liquid form, which do you prefer?
MS: I prefer liquids I’m afraid. Ah, I’m, um, speaking quite candidly. Powders have been a part of the past, but um, I think liquid is uh...I like Bruce Lee’s approach to liquid. It’s like, be water. Like water can be crashing or it can be still and calm, but like liquid, there’s like this fluid motion about it and for me, that’s how I want my life to be. I want it to be adaptable to all situations and um I think fluid is better than powder per se.
THIRSTY: Regardless, I am going to give each of you a packet of this.
MS: Now, if I snort this...(With a big grin as all laugh)
BB: The age of the Aquarius (in falsetto)!

THIRSTY: I am not responsible with what will happen. All right, the next one.
MM: What is this? Oh shit!
MS: Damn...
MM: Hamburger sauce. I’m a fan.
MS: Hamburger sauce!?                
BB: Oh yeah.
THIRSTY: So, for you, what is the ultimate hamburger sauce?
MS: Ha-ha!
MM: Geez Louise, that’s a loaded question. Uh, I don’t know, speaking as a nerdy aspiring cook myself something homemade, you know.
THIRSTY: What are the ingredients?
MM: Ingredients? Like what’s in my homemade hamburger sauce?
THIRSTY: Yeah-yeah. Spill the secret.
MM: Uh, start off with a lot of cold-pressed extra virgin olive oil.
THIRSTY: Sounds good.
MM: And uh, what else? Maybe like some dried mustard and...
MS: No garlic?
MM: I could probably put in some garlic.
MS: Oh sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt.
MM: Probably some chilies and uh, probably some...What would be a nice sweet treat in there?
MS: Some liquid LSD...(grinning)
MM: Yeah, liquid cocaine and some baby laxative.
MS: Ha-ha-ha!
(All laughing)
THIRSTY: Well, you noticed there that there is “no chemical seasoning” in this?

MM: Yeah, I know, I noticed that (impressed). Yeah, it’s quite a claim, considering I’m breathing a chemical right now.
BB: What’s this (reaching around in the bag)?
MS: Oh yeah! Parachute dude.
MM: Unwind it and throw it.
THIRSTY:  So, if you could parachute into anywhere and play, where would it be?
MM: Mercy...
THIRSTY: I mean...That’d be pretty cool. Dramatic you know.
BB: Yeah.
MS: VAN HALEN did that shit right? Or had some guys do it, they ran backstage and then they came out onstage. That’s so incredible (beaming brightly)!
BB: I know where I’d want to parachute into...into a big comfy bed with my girlfriend.
MS: Y-y-y-yeah...
BB: But that’s not necessarily a music answer. Uh, I think, I hate to be a dumb ass here, but I’d say right here is pretty cool. I can think of...If I didn’t have to play, maybe I’d parachute into some magical realm. You know, unicorns and rainbows, marshmallows and stuff...
THIRSTY: And Smurfs®...
BB: Yeah, but to play music, I think just right here is pretty cool.
THIRSTY: Damn straight. Believe it.
BB: Yeah, I saw some Papa Smurf® looking dudes earlier today.
THIRSTY: How long do you guys get to stay here?
BB: We’re leaving here today unfortunately. We got here yesterday, but we get to go to Tokyo, which is a nice place. It’s fun.
GW: Matt’s going to stay an extra week.
MM: Yeah, I’m going to stay in Tokyo 3 extra days.
THIRSTY: What are your plans?
MM: I want to go see a baseball game.
THIRSTY: Oh yeah, I recommend that. That’s good times.
MM: Yeah, I’m really looking forward to that. And I want to go to Kamakura.
THIRSTY: That’s where I used to live.
MS: No shit really?
THIRSTY: Yeah, that’s where THE THINK ABOUT LIFE guys stayed with me a couple years back.
GW: Oh cool.
MM: Yeah, just check out as much I can man.
THIRSTY: We’re going into the Don Cherry bonus round.
MS: Alright, cool!
GW: Yeah.
BB: Don Cherry the jazz musician right?
THIRSTY: No the other Don “I hate the Swedes, the Russians” Cherry.
MM: Oh that Don Cherry (big grin).
MS: Ha-ha!

GW: This is awesome. Choco biscuits.
MS: So we got some chocky animal crackers...
THIRSTY: Speaking of that, notice on here all the different animals. So which animal would be each of you?
BB: Oh I like this one. Graham’s answer huh?
MM: What are the choices?
THIRSTY: Let’s see there’s a dog, an owl...
GW: A hippo.
THIRSTY: A dolphin, a seal.
GW: Is there an otter?
MS: What am I Graham?
GW: Do I have to tell what these guys are?
THIRSTY: Why not? It’s a good way of reflection
GW: Well, alright...Um, I’d say...There’s a cat?
THIRSTY: Looks like it.
GW: I think Brian would be the hippo.
MS: Ha-ha-ha!
GW: Because look how happy he is, splashing around in the water and all. Yeah, Brian’s a happy guy. He likes to just splash around. He likes the water and stuff like that.
BB: Yeah, I’m the world’s most dangerous animal you know (smirking)...
MM: In the water...
BB: In general man you know. They’re fierce creatures.

THIRSTY: Yeah man.
BB: More than people realize.
GW: Yeah, I’d say Punchy (Matt McQuaid) is the dolphin ‘cuz you’re slick...
MS: (Laughing speedily)
GW: He’s got a nice blue shirt on there.
MS: Yeah. blue and grey are definitely dolphin colors.
BB: He’s also very smart.
GW: Also, he can kick the shit out of sharks.
MM: And I got a big nose too (grinning).
MS: Yeah man, you got all bases covered.
BB: It’s a regal sea, uh, creature I would say.
GW: Let’s see and there’s an owl here. I would say Matt is the owl. You’re wise.
MS: Yep. Thank you.
GW: You’re nocturnal...You’re majestic.
MS: Right on dude. Yeah, swoop down and eat mice.
MM: You have a bad memory so you always walk around asking, “Who?”
(All laughing)
GW: And there’s a cow here so I guess I’m the cow.
MS: Ha-ha!
GW: I just hang out. I just sort of graze, pretty much. I just sit there...
MM: Buy milk...
GW: Chew cud...

THIRSTY: I think we got one minute so last question...
MS:  I get that last one dude. Rad! What’s this? Oh shit, it’s tooth floss I guess.
THIRSTY: Actually it’s a tooth floss holder.
MS: Oh, there’s nothing in there.
THIRSTY: No. You got to put it in there yourself, but check this out what’s printed on it, “Health is the best gift.”
MS: It is.
THIRSTY: My question is do you agree or disagree or what?
MS: That depends on who the health is coming from.
THIRSTY: What do you mean?
MS: I mean, well, where does health come from? For me, I would say the best gift would be acceptance and understanding because if you have that, then everybody can do their thing without any problems. But tooth floss is a good gift too (big broad smile).
BB: People can spend their whole life or lives unhappy because they are trying to obtain some level of health when maybe they should just spend more time enjoying life.
MM: I don’t believe in health. That band HEALTH is very good though. We saw them and they were great.
MS: You can put your hodge in there and you can put your one-hitter and crush it up.
GW: It’s a gum case.
MS: It’s pretty good. I like this, but I don’t understand why there is a case, but nothing in it.
THIRSTY: Yeah, but this is the thing. You put your cell phone, click it onto here and then, you’re like, “Oh, I’m going to meet somebody.”
MS: Ah...Right, okay.
(Collective “Ah’s” as the light bulbs go on around the table)
MS: You know, clean up before the big interview with MTV news (big grin).
THIRSTY: Well, this land is always thinking up new ways to do stuff tied to your cell especially. You know, you always need your dental floss.
BB: That’s amazing. I like that.
MM: Me too. I like it as well.

To gain additional equipment for your HOLY FUCK laboratory, look no further in recognizing all that you like and want for your creature:

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All opinions expressed by Michael Lara are solely his own and do not reflect the opinions of Stay Thirsty Media, Inc.

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